Of course it’s natural for us to look out for our own pleasure, but both players deserve to enjoy intimacy! So if you’re the partner that’s left wanting more, try working on communication — in and out of the bed. Here are a couple of tips for starting the conversation:

• Bring it up when you’re NOT in bed, like on a walk or over dinner. If you’re worried about causing offense, say that you read something online (not a lie!) or learned about some new techniques in a movie, and set a time to try some new things! This will hopefully break your partner’s pattern of self-interest and shift the focus to new adventures in bed.

• Take control when you’re IN bed by directing them to things that make you feel good. Who knows! They may actually REALLY enjoy it…

• Show them. Seriously. If you’re concerned that they don’t actually know what feels good to you, it can be a turn-on to demonstrate how you achieve your own pleasure.

At the end of the day, everyone involved in intimacy should be getting some joy out of it — if not in the form of orgasm at least in the form of a deeper connection. However, if you’re in a situation where your partner truly has no interest in your experience, well…as a doctor who cares about your mental health, I recommend finding a partner that DOES care.